Friday, January 3, 2014

Eating Uncle Jang: Welcome to the New Year

I'll admit it. Sometimes I have to retreat from the real world into a strange sort of alternate universe where there is no news, death, destruction, rape, severe craziness, and stupidity so cruel and bestial that in comparison a pit full of king cobras seems decent company.

Let's face it, when you get up in the morning and find NBC is reporting the leader of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, Kim Jong-un --Dennis Rodman's "awesome guy"--fed his uncle to a pack of dogs it is fairly easy to trip off into never never land.

That is the unconfirmed report, initially published by a Hong Kong paper which allegedly has close ties to the Chinese Communist Party. The publication, "Wen Wei Po," claims Kim and his brother, Kim Jong-chol hosted the one hour gala event which was attended by about 300 invited guests. According to the story Jang Song-thaek and five close aids were stripped naked and thrown live and kicking into a cage with 120 "hunting dogs" who had been starved for five days. The paper noted Jang and company were, "completely eaten up." It is unknown if a cash bar was made available to those in attendance, or if drinks were on the house.

How the media outlet secured these details is a bit murky. In fact NBC quoted an American official as saying, "This is not ringing any bells here." That is all fine and good, but the recent track records of  "American officials," have been a tad spotty. I mean these are the same clowns who told us the ACA web site was up and working in October, so what the hell do they know?

Obviously, if true, the little pudge who is running things north of the DMZ is a roaring psychopath. I understand purges and that sometimes you must make a vivid point when it comes to treason, but turning your uncle into dinner for a pack of wild dogs in front an avid crowd seems bit over the top.

NBC pointed out the veracity of any news coming out of North Korea is always iffy. It could be Kim simply wants people to think he is capable of such an act--a fairly disturbing notion in itself considering the guy has his hands on nuclear weapons. However if he really did do it, there is no doubt the 300 member audience was there not for just an evening of entertainment, but a very real message. That's right--toe the line fuckers, or you'll end up being Kibbles 'n Bits too.

There was some speculation that the story is pure fabrication meant to demonize Kim. The theory being at least some members of Chinese elite want to distance themselves from him because--well--he is as crazy as a rabid gerbil. That would not be completely out of the realm of possibility. The last serious round of saber rattling by the DPRK didn't play well in Beijing. In fact the Chinese seemed utterly exasperated by the bellicose threats of apocalyptic war. The truth is, when your economy has evolved into quasi capitalism and is completely dependent on what happens not only at home, but across the rest of the industrialized world, your tolerance for the yapping Stalinist mutt in the yard next door grows thin--especially when you're the one having to feed him.

Yes, given events such as this, sometimes it is simply easier to lose myself in the wasteland of awful television and the civil war fantasies of college football. Why not? If I didn't read it, hear it, or see it, it didn't happen, right? That's as good a reality as any I suppose.

Too bad it ends up wearing on me even worse than Kim and his dogs.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the New Year and the Same Old World.

Or as they say in North Korea--woof, woof.


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