Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Observations From the Cavern: Halloween Costumes, Canadian Mayors on a Bender, and Chris Christie Speaks to the NRA

The clouds are low and tinted battleship gray today here in the center of Oklahoma. Squalls of drizzle blow through every now and then and the apartment has all the ambiance of a cavern tucked away somewhere in the side of a wooded ravine. The only thing missing is flickering torch light.

Of course many people are missing things in this gruesome day and age. Take Alicia Lynch. She is currently lacking a brain. MSN reports the 22 year old brunette thought it would be extraordinarily clever this Halloween to avoid the obvious and not wear a Wonder Woman, Lara Croft, or even a zombie costume. Indeed, why be just another cliche? In a moment of pure inspiration, she donned running shoes, shorts, a tee shirt, and an entrant's number. She then smeared her legs and forehead with streaks of fake blood and showed up at work as a, "Boston Marathon survivor."

Before she was fired from her job she tweeted a photo of herself beaming at the camera. Real survivors of the marathon were about as amused as her former boss. The howls and condemnations could be heard from Boylston Street to Leominster. MSN wrote that she explained to BuzzFeed, "I wasn't being disrespectful. I was a survivor of a marathon. And its not like I was walking around with a fake leg, or my arm torn off, or something like that." This being America and the wonderful world of twitter, she not only received complaints she was insensitive, but found herself on the wrong end of a number of death threats.

Meanwhile up in Toronto, NBC reports Mayor Rob Ford, after weeks of denying it, finally admitted he had smoked crack cocaine, "probably a year ago." He excused his behavior by saying it happened during a "drunken stupor." The accusations started to fly in May, but His Honor's mea culpa came only after Toronto police announced they were in possession of a video which showed him firing up the ol' glass pipe. Ford claims he is not an addict and NBC noted there is no mechanism in place to remove him from office unless he is convicted of a crime and chucked into the slammer.

Be that as it may Mr. Ford might want to get in touch with Marion Barry down in Washington D.C. Barry was popped by the FBI during one of his tenures as mayor for lighting up a rock in a motel room. No doubt, he will have valuable advice for Ford. I mean let's face it, when you're in deep, you need a pro on the other end of the line who has hands on experience with this sort of shit, not some rookie who doesn't know the ropes.

Finally, removing all doubt he is running for president, NBC reported NJ  Governor Chris Christie took to the microphones after some desperate loser ran amok in a Paramus mall Monday night. The guy had a gun, because everyone here has a gun, randomly fired six shots, then killed himself. Christie's take on the affair was this: "We need to get to these root causes. And its not the sexiest thing in the world to talk about, to be more aggressive in the mental health area. Everybody likes to brandish guns and put them on tables and say we're going to ban this, or ban that." He added, "...every one of these incidents involved a deeply disturbed person who was not getting treatment. We need to get to that. If we get to that we have a better chance of preventing some of these incidents."

The governor ended his remarks before offering any suggestions on how we should, "get to that." Obviously he is a Big Picture sort of guy and his staff handles the detail work.

In truth, listening to him was to realize, Christie wasn't addressing the media and public at all, but rather the NRA leadership. It was his way of saying, "Hey guys, I'm with you all the way, don't lump me in with the liberals. And, by the way, my campaign fund accepts checks, money orders, and credit cards."

The shooter was identified as 20 year old, Richard Shoop. He stole the weapon, an AK-47 look alike, from his brother. Christie contends police found a suicide note. The brother described the invasion of the mall as, "self indulgence."

So there we have it. Missing brains, drunken stupors, and another lost soul who found it far too easy to arm himself and become "self indulgent."

No wonder staying holed up in the cavern looks better and better with each passing day. Maybe I'll take to painting the walls. After all, there are numerous precedents for that throughout the world.

Don't worry though, I promise to send up smoke signals if I need provisions.

sic vita est


No comments:

Post a Comment