Thursday, August 6, 2015

Tonight in Cleveland: Roger Ailes Gives You a List to Choose From

At some far off moment next year, prior to the national election, we're all going to think to ourselves, "Good God, it seems like this political bull shit has gone on forever."

We'll have Fox News to thank for that.

Tonight in Cleveland, a year before the republican convention, the entire platoon of ruthless wankers who are seeking the GOP nomination will be on display in what amounts to a mutant hybrid of, "Americas Next Top Model," and, "The Dating Game." The first round comes at 5pm CDT.

The undercard will include people, Roger Ailes considers has-beens, wannabes, and abject losers. Rick Perry, Rick Santorum, Bobby Jindal, Lindsey Graham, Carly Fiorina, George Pataki, and Jim Gilmore will perform before a dinner audience and those toggling to and from reruns of, "The Big Bang Theory."

Yes, Brother Ailes took one look at the field and here is what he saw:

Both Perry and Santorum are 2012 retreads. Jindal, whose actual name is Piyush, is one smart guy. However, after months of working republican movers and shakers nationwide he hasn't gained any real traction. To complicate matters he kicked off his campaign with what has to be considered the lamest announcement video ever seen on this, or any other planet. Meanwhile, Graham has only half jokingly said he'd use the U.S. military to force congress to do what he wants. Fiorina has been canned by Hewlett-Packard. Pataki is a dinosaur in this new age of republican politics which demands you be more conservative than everyone else in the world. And no one outside of his immediate family even knows who Jim Gilmore is.

To decide who would be the, "A," team, Ailes, used a set of polls, identified only after the fact, to focus voters on the group taking the stage at 8pm CDT. The main attraction will be Donald Trump, who has risen to polling heights by doing an ultra conservative take on a movie character played by Warren Beatty, the half mad Senator, Jay Billington Bulworth.

While the public and media will be there hoping Trump provides more shock, entertainment, and comedy material, the pros will be focusing on Jeb Bush, Scott Walker, Marco Rubio, and the rest. Because of time constraints--and as long as Trump doesn't run completely amok--each guy chasing him will only have about 10, or 12 minutes of actual speaking time to make their case. The rest of the hour and a half they'll be standing there, for all intents and purposes, wax mannequins.

If someone is going to significantly close the gap between reality and surreal fantasy tonight they're going to have to be quick and to the point. As much as some of them might want to, there will be very little, if any, time to mud wrestle with The Don. That said, there is a case to be made for some desperate soul to bait him into an unseemly name calling fit. That's right, poke the fucker with a sharp stick and hope he rolls so far off the tracks his candidacy will never recover.

Ultimately, what the viewing audience needs to remember during these dark proceedings is the whole production was carefully arranged by Ailes and his crew. The gang of ten who will be on stage at 8pm is already being called, "the leading candidates," by the rest of the media and we're still months away from the first caucus and primary.

The truth is what's nominally a news organization is now not only, unabashedly, promoting a single political party, but it's giving us a none too subtle hint of the list of candidates they want voters to choose from.

It's not something you usually see outside of, say, the current government of Hong Kong.

Given the circumstances and dubious direction we're headed, it might be wise to keep the Belize option open, although I have a friend who highly recommends Costa Rica.

Indeed, at times like these it is always best to have multiple choices, especially the ones not picked for you.


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