America's Newest Reality Television Show--Maybe

Up until a few days ago Rob Worsoff was best known in the United States for his work on what was billed as a reality TV show, called, Duck Dynasty." He worked as a producer and writer on that show--proving that in this country even our reality needs a writer to figure out what we're supposed to do and talk about. According to IMDb he has also been involved with the production of "All or Nothing," a show about the Toronto Maple Leaves hockey team and something called, "Dating Naked." (A group of young adults are thrown together in a South American villa, buck ass naked and expected to find true love, or at least indulge in salacious sex.)

All that is to let you know Rob Worsoff is a player when it comes to what we call, reality TV. In other words he is a 21st century carny midway impresario appealing to the rube in us all. So, what else is simmering in his fertile mind at this point?

Reports are saying Worsoff is currently pitching a show tentatively titled, "The American." It is a game show, sort of, featuring immigrants who desperately want to become U.S. citizens and the grand prize is a swearing in as one of the steps of the capitol building. According to the 35 page proposal the oath will be delivered by a, "high ranking American politician, or judge," as the Air Force's Thunderbirds scream past overhead. Worsoff's pitch claims the ceremony will be so moving, "There won't be a dry eye within ten miles."

The winner will be announced after the contestants have been carted around the country on a train, aptly named, "The American," to places like northern California. Maine, and Wisconsin. The challenges they'll face include digging for gold, digging for clams, and participating in the one sport all American citizens are adept at, log rolling.

No, you haven't been slipped a tab of blotter acid and I'm not making this shit up. No one, except, apparently Rob Worsoff could. In fact, there are some, besides Worsoff, who think reducing American citizenship to a prize handed out for winning some horribly warped game made for TV has merit. The Daily Mail is reporting one of them is the head of Homeland Security, Kristi Noem.

Some sources have actually told the site Noem is all for it, while other go so far as to say Worsoff came up with the proposal with her input. A DHS spokesperson has denied both of those reports and claims that while department staffers are indeed studying the proposal, Noem, so far anyway, has yet to see it.

Either way, a travesty like, "The American" sounds like the exact sort of thing Kristi Noem would buy into. She loves all manner of high profile publicity and according to Worsoff the winner would be escorted from the Washington D.C. train station to the Capitol building by ICE agents. (Presumably to prove just to prove the legitimacy of this absurdity and just in case the winner turns out to be an ungrateful fuck and refuses to be sworn in.)

Worsoff swears, "The American," isn't simply his versions of, "The Hunger Games." The losers won't be killed or even shipped off to Noem's favorite concentration camp in El Salvador--although no one is sure if he's checked with her on that. In his version they'll just go back in line along with everyone else. (Unless they're white South Africans of course.) And those washing out of the auditions won't be carted off to parts unknown, although, again, no one knows if Noem has actually agreed to that part either.

No matter what the details Rob Worsoff promises us during the pitch, "The American will be a commercial hit which lends itself to enormous corporate sponsorship and opportunities." Hey, what's more American than that? Everyone is out to make a buck and perhaps he will seal the deal by giving Kristi Noem and Donald Trump a cut. He's always looking for a quick score and this idea seems right up his alley also.

Meanwhile Worsoff promises the viewing public, "We will join in the laughter, tears, frustration, and joy--hearing their backstories--as we are reminded how amazing it is to be American..." Especially for a guy like Rob Worsoff, who was born and raised in Montreal, Quebec. A place which, at least right now, remains located in the nation of Canada.

5-19-25