The Tovarishch Trump Conspiracy Theory

How to say Comrade in Russian: Tovarishch

Wordhippo.com

Now that QAnon has gone the way of the T-Rex, at least in the eyes of the media, maybe we should come up with a new conspiracy theory. After all, Donald Trump doesn't embrace them like he used to   unless you count the ones about federal employees. (The ones we are firing don't show up for work or are incompetent.) and our newly minted arch enemies, Canada and Denmark. None of those, however, have the glorious lunacy of Barack Obama's missing long form birth certificate--well, unless you are Canadian, Danish, or just got thrown out of an office you've been accused of never going to.

So, in lieu of wondering where JFK Jr. is hiding out, here is one to mull over. Look at it as a way of killing time while we wait for the 82nd Airborne's combat drop into Ottawa.   

 A long time ago a guy named Arthur Mussayev worked for the Soviet Union's KGB. The agency was a sometimes deadly combination of the American CIA, FBI, Secret Service, and NSA. Specifically Mussayev worked for the 6th Directorate of the KGB. Part of their job at the time, according to Mussayev anyway, was to recruit businessmen from capitalist countries to become Soviet assets. In 1987 one of those potential recruits was an American named, Donald John Trump.

In 1987, Trump visited Moscow supposedly to scout out locations for a luxury hotel he was thinking about building. While he was there , in an attempt to win him over, the Soviets showered him with flattery and, if you believe the notorious Steele Dossier hookers who showered him with, let's say, other things. 

The Soviets weren't asking Trump to hand over nuclear secrets, or find out troop movements, or even report what the Americans were really doing at their bases in, yes, Greenland. They simply wanted him to rag on the United State and its government, then spread disinformation about Soviet ambitions and motives. You know, nothing that would get anyone killed, but just tweak things a tad. Become an influencer of sorts sowing a few seeds of doubt in the U.S. electorate about its government and what they were being told. In short, make Americans a little suspicious of America and its institutions.

Does any of that sound familiar? Like maybe Donald Trump's campaign strategy twice and what he did after he lost in 2020. 

Alas, there are a couple of problems with this perfect scenario though. The website Snopes did some research on Mussayev's allegation, which originally appeared in that completely reliable corner of the internet, Facebook. It turns out Trump was in Moscow in 1987, but Mussayev wasn't. He had left the KGB by then and was working for the Ministery of Internal Affairs in Kazakhstan. In addition the main job of the  6th Directorate was enforcing trade laws and guarding against industrial espionage. The recruiting of foreign assets was the domain of the 1st Directorate. 

Not only is the timeline wrong, but while Mussayev claims the KGB actively recruited young Donald--even giving him the code name, Krasnov--he never said he was personally involved. More importantly, Mussayev's post didn't say whether Trump actually accepted the offer, or not. Throw in the collapse of the Soviet Union a little over a year later and no matter how tempting it might be to believe the former KGB man it appears we've arrived in Pizzagate territory.  

Yesterday, Trump told the media that the U.S. Canadian border was just an imaginary line drawn ages ago. He also said Canada will make such a great 51st state that he will even let them keep their national anthem, "O Canada," but only as the official state song--like the Broadway tune, "Oklahoma" is for the state of Oklahoma. And while that might seem mighty decent of him, it's highly doubtful it will cause any Canadians to suddenly change their minds about surrendering their sovereignty. He also hinted at taking Greenland by military force if need be. For national and world security reasons only of course.

Yeah, just like all those football parlay cards you get in the back rooms of barber shops and gas stations say, "For entertainment purposes only." 

Obviously believing Arthur Mussayev is a deep dive down the rabbit hole--or maybe into some heavy duty blotter acid. However, in all honesty, his claim sure would explain a lot of things many of us find unexplainable.  

Besides, Tovarishch Trump has a catchy ring to it. 

3-14-25