Westboro Baptist Hits the Beach

 The last few years have been quiet ones for our old pals at Westboro Baptist Church up in Topeka, KS. Maybe it's because all their anti-gay thunder has been stolen by people like Ron DeSantis and more lately the crazy orange faced guy. Maybe they finally figured out showing up at the funerals of dead service people carrying signs that say things like "We're glad he, or she is dead," is counterproductive. Maybe, just maybe the whole bunch came down with a severe and collective case of sanity.

Okay, we know that last one isn't right, but we can always hope.

The church, which describes itself as an unaffiliated, "primitive," Baptist establishment was founded by Fred Phelps in 1955. It claims to have 70 some odd members, most of them related in one way, or the other to Fred. The Southern Poverty Law Center once described the church as, "arguably the most obnoxious and rabid hate group in America." With a homepage titled, "godhatesfags.com," it is tough to deny the charge.

Fred Phelps died in 2014. He was so mean and filled with rage (Bill O'Reilly once kicked him off his show because he was completely out of control) it is easy to speculate the old man slit his own throat while shaving. Alas, that wasn't the case. He died of cardiovascular disease at the age of 84. Since he went into the great beyond the has been a void at the top of Westboro, which more than anything else explains their albescence from public view these last few years.

Last week the church issued a news release saying Hawaii--the whole state, not just the big island--wll be destroyed this coming Sunday, August 13th. They were vague on the details of how, but obviously the Good Lord will take care of those in a few days. 

They were more specific on the why, though. According to the folks at Westboro Hawaii will suffer death and destruction because the churches out there have failed to curb the state's sinful ways. In other words they aren't falling in line with the theology of a, "primitive," Baptist Church with 70 members located 3,777 miles away. 

To make sure some of the state's population is saved and, no doubt, in order to take advantage of the off season rates, members are flying to Maui this week. While there they'll preach the Gospel according to Torquemada and catch a few rays on the beach. On Sunday, despite the deadly chaos, the plan is to appear outside of three different churches on the island for about 30 minutes at a time. It remains to be determined how the congregation will return to Topeka after the cataclysm, although, as we all know, God helps those with nonrefundable tickets and fresh tans.  

Interestingly, the news release spoke of generic sin and the failure of the local clergy to root it out, but homosexuality wasn't specifically addressed. We can assume the absence of Phelps the elder is behind this, newer, kinder, apocalyptic world view.  That old fuck was so obsessed with buggery he would have never let it go unmentioned.  

Well, times change. Besides, these days it would seem the persecution of the LGBTQ community is best left to the state, rather than clerics.

That's right, brothers and sisters. Fred Phelps could condemn people to hell, but why wait for divine retribution when a government can come up with a quick and final solution in the here and now?

Just ask them in Florida.

8-8-23